Sometimes I Wonder

We get the call and immediately I couldn't believe it. Maybe it was the wrong person, or mistaken identity.

But as minutes turned to hours the news progressively worsened and I knew that I had to face the unthinkable..

Mary was a person with a big heart and big enough for the both of us. Because she knew how to help others and did so without hesitation. I've seen this quality from her parents and was instantly amazed at how easy it was for them to be this way.

The day we met was an incredible act of destiny and remains clear to me like never a moment has ever passed.

I woke up on a Saturday to the voice of my cousin Lon saying, "we should go to Church". Startled, I emphatically said why?

He turns to think for a second, as if to come up with the best excuse to convince me and says "cause there's girls there". So with that and a raise of an eyebrow, we were dressed and ready for Church.

I for one, was armed with a cheap Walkman just in case things got boring. And when we got there, Lon was totally on par.

Rocking out to Metallica's "Kill em' All" album blaring out my headphones, heads turned to see where the sound was coming from. My buddy Elan turned to me and mouthed the words "turn it down" as my hand rose up - to give him the finger. I knew I was being an asshole and really didn't care, as an old man glanced at me in disgust - standing along side us with his back against the wall (who later became my father in-law).🤣

My earphones continued to ring out the angst of being suckered to going to Church, while I noticed the look in her eyes as she turned around. Because it was a look of hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about! At least in my perspective.

Afterwards, my guitar player Elan comes up with the pretty blonde and introduces Mary to me and mentions that she wants to start a band. And since I've already been coaxed once today, I answer with - what kind of band?

Eventually I learn that she wants to create her own Youth Worship Band with Rock in it. And in those days we already had Stryper, so what would anything else be any different? The only thing I could think of was Christian Death Metal, which was totally off base.

We grew very close and immediately became a thing. I found her willingness to understand people and her openness to everything amazed me, probably because we're both Gemini's.


But the problem with being a gemini is that some of us easily get bored and I found myself getting deeper into drugs and fooling around with infidelity. Even after we were married and had our son Hazen, I continued to struggle with all that stuff and it eventually it split us apart.

She found a place in Crestline and tried to include me in - to work things out in a passive kind of way. But I was too confused - while trying to break free from the drugs that were actually killing me.

As days turned to months, I began a relationship with Shianne - another blue eyed beauty and from the very beginning, we hit it off too. But one day, I get home from work and get one of the most terrible news that I've ever received.

The phone rings from the Sheriff's department and informs us that something happened to Mary. At first they claim it was an accident and later we find out that she was fatally wounded by gunshot to the chest.

In disbelief, I wandered in my mind trying to fathom how to wrap my head around all of this and in a moment I begin to realize that I can't.

And the only thing that I began to focus on, was caring for my five year old son. Everything else had to go on autopilot and I instantly began making arrangements, on how to get us through this heart breaking time.

It's been years now, but somehow the moment seems like not a single day has passed.

The imagined playback in my head, of how she might have taken her last breath is one of tragedy. Laying there on a blood soaked bed, while her killer pleads for her to stay alive. And the look in her eyes as she fades away - thinking about who will take care of her son?

And though we've had many blessed years without her, I sometimes wonder what it would've been like for her to experience her son's first day at school, his first girlfriend, first kiss, first heartbreak, High School Graduation, first job and the like.

If only there had better choices to have been made - no escape to drugs, no infidelity to cover up pain, no murder, no death..

💔 Yeah, sometimes I wonder.

Mary 1969-2005